But It's a Dry Heat

Archive for the ‘Spam I Am’ Category

A Real Man of Steel

In my spam box today, an email with the subject line: “Forge your love sword this Valentine’s Day.”

As adverts for male enhancement drugs go, this one is at least original, though as always, totally gender inappropriate. That is, unless they literally mean a sword, in which case, that would be cool. Because who doesn’t need a medieval weapon to celebrate the holiday of love?

The imagery, however, should make any man cringe. “Forge,” by definition is either a furnace or oven where metals are heated and wrought, or the process of heating metal and beating it into shape while it is red hot  and almost melty. There’s also “cold” forging, but even that involves the instructions: “Hit it with a hammer.”

Somehow, I think few men are so desperate for the ultimate boner that they’d undertake a process that involved repeated blows to their junk.

Of course, they could be meaning the other use of forge, as in “forgery.” Hmmm.

Will There Be Laundry Involved?

In a lovely change from the adverts for manroot fertilizer, I get this in my inbox. (It somehow sneaked past my spam filters.)

Doris wants a “true relationship and partner.”

Dear Doris,

As a rule i make a Point not To get involved wIth people who haven’t mastered the Fine art of Capitalization.  But in your case, I might make an exception.  (Because you called me “Dear” and added that cute little rose graphic.) That is, if  by “true relationship and partner,” you mean “washing the dog,” “cleaning house,” “mucking out the horse’s paddock” and “doing laundry.”  If so, please send your pics to ineedamaid@filthyhouse.com

If by relationship you mean…like sex? (/Kaylee from Serenity voice), then I’ll pass as my smexy steampunk zombie takes care of all my needs.

Cheers,

P. Kirby

Like the Hippos in Fantasia, Not

Seriously?  This is fat? I’m referring to the recent uproar over a NY Times critic who took issue with a ballerina who deviated oh-so-slightly from the standard prepubescent girl body type. From where I’m standing, the only way to find fat on this ballerina is with an electron microscope.

Granted, she isn’t the usual willowy, pelvic-bones-threatening-to-burst-through-thin-skin, body type.  But she’s hardly fat.

Of course, if she were the standard scrawny ballerina, some would accuse her of being too thin and projecting unrealistic body standards to young women.

Sheesh.  We women just can’t win, can we?

In unrelated news, I’m amused to note that spammers have so far scrupulously avoided my post about comment spam.  It seems they lack a sense of irony. Heh.

Nothing a Little Jack Daniels Won’t Cure

Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday and I’ve got nothin’.  So I figured I’d take a looksee at this blog’s accumulated comment spam.  Most spammers, of course, aren’t even trying.  In the comment approval window I find the usual suspects: links to naughty sites, cheap meds, knockoff Rolexes, etc.  The new trend in comment spam is complimentary gibberish, written apparently by people for whom English is a second language. Just barely.

For example, this bit of word salad, left on a posting about my greyhound.

With thanks for talk about really good informations. Your internet is amazing, (My internet?  I own the internet?  Who knew?) I am satisfied by the details that you simply have on this blog. (You’re satisfied?  Really?  Now I can die happy.) It shows how well you appreciate this subject. (Well, he is my dog.) Bookmarked this page, will appear again for much more. (Uh…Yippee.  I await, with bated breath.)

But the winner, thus far, for most creative is this one:

Hi, What can I take for this horrible heartburn I have? OH MY GOD… [replica watches/link redacted] It feels like the baby has lit my intestines on fire! It is horrible, even tea, water, like when I drink water and burp the water comes back up, it is horrible. The heartburn is the worst, it hurts so bad! What do you girls take for heartburn while pregnant that works for sure? help will be greatly appreciated!!!!

Booze, sweetie.  The really hard stuff.  Yeah.  That’ll do the trick.

(My comments are in moderation.  Anything with even the faintest taint of spam never sees the light of day.)

Hot Tacos Sing Dick Cheney

Need proof of evolution?  Look no further than spam. (The virtual version, as the exact taxonomic classification for the edible kind remains a mystery to science.) For every innovation in spam filters, spammers evolve and adapt ways to get around said filters.  Since the majority of filters rely on subject lines, the result is a bizarre array of nonsensical verbiage in the subject line.

Without further ado, I bring you today’s subject lines from my spam box…

“my pic for you”

Neato. Now I have something to throw darts at.

“need to findout more about you”

I’m an evil genius with plans to take over the Universe. What else is there to know?

“The new resume is attached”

Ah, I see you are applying for the position of “minion.” I trust you do windows and vacuum?

“Speaker John Boehner?”

Oh, another advert for erectile dysfunction.

“get a hug when you give her a gift from Tiffany’s”

Just a hug? For some Tiffany’s swag, I expect to get laid.

“Bigger is definitely better.”

Not if we’re talking cockroaches or asses.

“I like you”

Really? You like me? You really like me? [Does best impression of Sally Field.]

“Man gets kicked in teeth by horse”

I.e., the state of dentistry in America.

“It makes gentlemen’s tool wooden”

Ouch! Splinters!

And finally, the old reliable…

“Hi.”

Oh, come on! You’re not even trying. Put some effort into it.