But It's a Dry Heat

Archive for the ‘Action flicks’ Category

Independence Day: Resurgence

Watching Independence Day: Resurgence, one can’t help but think that if this is the best that humankind has to offer, then the aliens would be doing the universe a solid by exterminating us.

I admit, the original movie had its appeal, a goofy, over-the-top, cheese-covered heart, which is sorely lacking in the sequel. Sure, Independence Day was populate with archetypes, but none were so painfully cliche as in Independence Day: Resurgence.

Interjecting new blood into the franchise is Liam Hemsworth in the role of cocky, reckless pilot who will save the day, but is tormented by past fuck-ups, all self-induced, of course. Let’s call him Top Gun, because who the hell cares what the character’s real name is? The obligatory comic relief is provided by Top Gun’s Sidekick, who’s there to leer at Exotic Asian Girl. Top Gun’s love interest is Generically Pretty White Girl, a former ace pilot and coincidentally the daughter of ex-president WhatHisName, from the first movie. The plot is all about coincidences. It’s built on a teetering Jenga tower of coincidence. Top Gun’s rival is a former friend who is aggrieved by whatever it is that Top Gun FUBARed in the past. Once upon a time, Top Gun, Rival, and Generically Pretty White Girl were a best friendsies threesome. But, no more. The instant Top Gun and Rival reconnect, on the moon base, Rival punches Top Gun. Which is the extent of their testosterone-fueled angst.

If this sounds like the plot of an anime, well, it should be. If (more…)

Guardians of the Galaxy

On watching Guardians of the Galaxy, two things become quite evident. First, Thanos should hire better minions, or he needs to get his bad-ass, mad Titan self off the throne and fetch his magical McGuffins o’power all by himself. Because the hired help, thus far, in Marvel movie ‘verse, just aren’t working out.

Also, if it weren’t for daddy issues, nothing–good or bad–in the universe would get done.

Of course, if it weren’t for dead mothers, no hero would ever get motivated. Consequently, the first scene in Guardians shows a young Peter Quill, eventual Starlord, sitting outside a hospital room, listening to that awkward predecessor to playlists, the mixed tape. His grandfather appears and ushers him into a room where a deathly pale woman lies in bed. Before getting down to dying, Mom rambles about the boy’s father, using the word “angel,” so that you know young Quill is something special.

Mom lifts a trembling hand toward the lad and (more…)

The Lone Ranger (2013)

“Well. That was a hot mess,” says my husband as The Lone Ranger‘s credits crawl up a scene of Monument Valley, a dispirited Tonto limping off into the sunset.

The statement is significant, in that my spouse, unlike me, is generally kind to movies. Me, I love excoriating a bad movie, detailing its sins against plot, characterization, cinematography, etc. But the hubs usually just shrugs and says, “It wasn’t good, but there were some funny parts.”

To say The Lone Ranger is a hot mess is to disparage steaming piles of poop everywhere.  After all, certain types of excrement make good fertilizer. Not so, The Lone Ranger.

Possibly taking a page from (more…)

The Avengers

And once again, I’m glad I live in New Mexico, because we have a complete dearth of crap worth blowing up. Granted, there was the minor dust up in a too-Anglo-to-be-New Mexico town in the movie Thor, but that was just a few buildings. Hell, that alien robot didn’t even bother to mutilate the local livestock. (Even the aliens in Cowboys & Aliens knew that the genre requires the immolation of a few hapless bovines.)

Mostly, though, aliens land in New Mexico, but faced with the absence of tall crash-y buildings, quickly move on, probably afraid we’ll set up another cheesy alien museum, a la Roswell. Because that’s just embarrassing.

If the alien version of urban renewal is too violent for you, then New York city should be low on your list of places to settle. As exemplified by The Avengers, where yet another group of folks who aren’t from around these parts, revel in (more…)

Pitch Black

I’ve never much liked Superman.

Although Smallville did a decent job of injecting the man of steel with a touch of humanity, the character as a whole is overburdened by his squeaky clean, unambiguous morality.

I like my heroes to struggle with their call to action. I want them to come kicking and screaming into the light. Don’t give me Mr. Saintly who saves the day because it’s the right thing to do. Give me a guy who saves Earth because it’s got the best pizza in the universe and, oh, yeah, his friends, all two of them, happen to call the little blue rock home.

Which is why Pitch Black is one of my favorite movies. Not only is the hero as dark as the movie’s title, but the supporting cast also has a furious case of flexible ethics.

Riddick (Vin Diesel), the film’s hero, is about as “anti” as an anti-hero can get. He’s spent so many years incarcerated in the (more…)

The Thing (2011)

You know a movie has acquired a level of suckitude approaching black hole proportions when … I don’t even care about the dog.

I make no secret of the fact that I like animals more than people.  Sometimes, an animal is the only character worth watching. For instance, I spent the entire, agonizing, “good lord smite me before I have to watch more of this crapfest,” three-hours of Alexander the movie, worrying about Bucephalus the horse.

The Thing couldn’t even get me to give a fuzzy crap about the dog.

The Thing begins with three guys in an ice jeep thingy (look, if the director and scriptwriters were too lazy to build character backstories, I’m too lazy to Google the correct name of the vehicle). They are following a mysterious signal across the Antarctic ice. And they are Norwegian, which is (more…)

In Time

Remember Logan’s Run?

Me neither; just a few scattered impressions from when I was a kid and it was on TV.  I recall it being about a futuristic society where people were killed off at 30, their expiration date announced by some kind of colored device on their hand.

In Time trades in a variant of that premise: in the future, science has somehow made it so that people stop aging at twenty-five. Humans, however, still make babies and in a world where no one dies except through fatal accidents, people would eventually be packed on this little blue sphere like sardines. Society’s solution is stamp a digital clock on everyone’s arm that starts ticking at 25, counting down a year. Since it’s possible to put more time on the clock, a person could theoretically live forever. Run out of time, however, and it’s Deadsville for you. Time, not money, is now the most important commodity.

It’s the future and (more…)

Immortals

“Where’s the beefcake?”

Me, after watching Immortals, a film that is advertised as being “from the producers of 300.” Except 300, for all its flaws, featured some of the best that modern nutrition, gyms, and some steroids could make of the male physique. The plot of 300 could be summed up as “a few very good men fight to the death against the Persians, and day-yum, are they sexy martyrs.”

Theseus, Immortals’s hero, is terribly overdressed.  Also, for the most part, Immortals is short on action and gore, which is especially problematic as it’s also fresh out of plot and characterization.

The movie begins by introducing the movie’s McGuffins: the Titans and the Epirus bow. The Titans are contained in a box that is (more…)

Drive

After watching Drive, a couple of things came to mind:

First, I hope Ryan Gosling wasn’t paid by the word, and second, the only way to make Los Angeles look like anything other than an overpopulated, ugly-ass, shithole is to film it at night.

I also realized that for once, my inability to remember a character’s name isn’t my fault because in this case, the protagonist had none. Ryan Gosling is The Driver in a bloody tale about a sometimes stunt driver/mechanic/getaway driver whose well-ordered life falls apart when he falls in love.

The movie begins with Driver precisely uttering instructions to (more…)

Real Steel

Technically, Real Steel isn’t my kind of movie. I mean, sure, it has fighting robots, and battles between giant mechanized men are totally my thing. Violence. Futuristic technology. Yay!

Except, Real Steel relies on the “cute kid” plot device and a story that’s designed to tug at one’s heartstrings.  Teeny problemo: I don’t have heartstrings. Movies that others find heartbreaking and compelling, strike me as sappy and painfully obvious. As for kids…they’re like adults. Some children are absolutely charming; others are assholes; most just exist. I really dislike big-eyed urchins who I’m supposed to love because they are big-eyed urchins.

That said, I really liked Real Steel.

Real Steel is the story of a down-on-his-luck (more…)