But It's a Dry Heat

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The Quiet Place or Adventures in Horrible Parenting

On a Facebook post, I said that “If you’re a fan of this movie and a parent, I pity your children.” I wrote that unapologetically; the intent was to be provocative and offensive. Just five minutes into this movie, I was stunned by a plot that relied on parents doing the equivalent of letting their toddler play on the freeway. Even more so, dismayed by the love slathered on this hot-mess of a movie. After moving beyond the “all people are stupid” rants, I started to examine why a blatantly terrible movie can be perceived as good.

The premise of The Quiet Place is that Earth has been invaded by blind, vicious aliens that hunt using ultra-sensitive hearing. The few surviving humans stay alive by being as quiet as possible; even the tiniest noise can invite attack. According to the newspaper articles collected by the movie’s patriarch and pasted conveniently on the wall in his lair of useless technology, the aliens are indestructible and don’t eat what they kill. (Which begs the question: What do they eat?)

The movie opens in a small country store. A family of five–Mom, Dad, Teen Girl, Tween Boy, and four-year-old boy who shall be hereafter referred to a Monster Meal (M&M)–are wandering aimlessly about the shop. Mom is carefully, quietly (more…)

The Great Wall

Once upon a time, a meteor crashed into the mountains of China, unleashing a horde of monsters who will get the munchies and descend upon the people of China every sixty years. And the only thing standing between China and the monsters is Matt Damon and his very square jaw.

Or so the movie poster for The Great Wall would have one believe. I mean, look at it. It’s Damon’s big head versus, well, everything.

Despite the poster, The Great Wall isn’t white washing per say. Damon is the superfluous Westerner, thrown in to milk extra millions from Hollywood studio execs who think a movie won’t do well without an American A-lister. But the bigger problem is that Damon is horribly miscast. As a gee-whiz, (more…)

The Three Musketeers (2011)

The makers of The Three Musketeer (2011) may have done well to take a cue from the film’s title. I.e., remembered that the story was more than The Adventures of D’Artagnan and His Three Sidekicks.

The movie’s poster accurately sums up the movie. D’Artagnan front and center, with the shrunken versions of the heroes three, trying to fight the battle while D’Artagnan vogues. Milady DeWinter (Mila Jovovich) is overacting* in background, with Buckingham and Richilieu demonstrating their one facial expression. (*Jovovich somehow manages to overact while employing only three facial expressions: a leer, a sneer, and an eyebrow twitch. It’s rather amazing.)

The basic premise of the movie is this: Arthos (Luke Evans), Porthos (Ray Stevenson) and Aramis (Mathew MacFayden) are down-on-their luck Musketeers. D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) is the arrogant country boy who (more…)

Excuse the Mess

I must have run out of whatever I was smoking, as I’ve come to senses and realized the cutesy, pink template was unreadable and seizure-inducing.  In the midst of trying out different themes….

Nothing a Little Jack Daniels Won’t Cure

Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday and I’ve got nothin’.  So I figured I’d take a looksee at this blog’s accumulated comment spam.  Most spammers, of course, aren’t even trying.  In the comment approval window I find the usual suspects: links to naughty sites, cheap meds, knockoff Rolexes, etc.  The new trend in comment spam is complimentary gibberish, written apparently by people for whom English is a second language. Just barely.

For example, this bit of word salad, left on a posting about my greyhound.

With thanks for talk about really good informations. Your internet is amazing, (My internet?  I own the internet?  Who knew?) I am satisfied by the details that you simply have on this blog. (You’re satisfied?  Really?  Now I can die happy.) It shows how well you appreciate this subject. (Well, he is my dog.) Bookmarked this page, will appear again for much more. (Uh…Yippee.  I await, with bated breath.)

But the winner, thus far, for most creative is this one:

Hi, What can I take for this horrible heartburn I have? OH MY GOD… [replica watches/link redacted] It feels like the baby has lit my intestines on fire! It is horrible, even tea, water, like when I drink water and burp the water comes back up, it is horrible. The heartburn is the worst, it hurts so bad! What do you girls take for heartburn while pregnant that works for sure? help will be greatly appreciated!!!!

Booze, sweetie.  The really hard stuff.  Yeah.  That’ll do the trick.

(My comments are in moderation.  Anything with even the faintest taint of spam never sees the light of day.)