But It's a Dry Heat

Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

Cowboys and Aliens

Cowboys and Aliens, of course, begins in New Mexico, because that’s where aliens always land when they aren’t planning on blowing up New York or Los Angeles. This state is like a space alien’s secret getaway. Our hero, Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) wakes from an impermanent dirt nap in the northern New Mexico desert (circa 1873).

Jake can’t remember his name, how he got the bloody gash in his side, or why he isn’t wearing any shoes but is outfitted with a shiny metal bracelet.  The bracelet offends his fashion sense, so he picks up a rock and whacks on it, ineffectually. His commentary on alien fashion accessories is interrupted by three men on horseback, who see the bracelet and decide it’s some kind of handcuff. Their wee brains already awhirl with all the places they’ll spend the bounty money (women, booze, more booze), the three try to apprehend Jacob.

Except Jake is Bond, James Bond. He kills all three in the blink of an eye, borrows a pair of boots and a horse and trots off to the town of Absolution.

In town, Jake is witness to (more…)

Hobo With a Shotgun

Oh, Rutger Hauer, once the sexy man-wolf Navarre in Ladyhawke, and now the rode-hard-and-put-up-craggy-faced-and-tired hobo, in Hobo with a Shotgun.

Hobo with a Shotgun is the kind of movie where the most memorable line is, “When life gives you razor blades, you make a baseball bat covered in razor blades.” That dialogue is immediately followed by the aforementioned weapon disemboweling someone.

The movie is a throwback or perhaps an homage to the exploitation–grindhouse cinema–films of the 70s, complete with the over-the-top, cheesy violence and sexuality. Well, mostly violence, unless your idea of sexuality is a few shots of naked boobies. The film actually has its origins as a “fake” movie trailer, submitted by director Jason Eisener to a contest that Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino held to promote their Grindhouse movies, Planet Terror and Death Proof.  Eisener’s entry won and eventually led to the funding to make the full length movie. This little factoid in response to my husband’s question, midway through the movie: “Where do they get the money to make a movie like this?”

It begins when the hobo (Hauer) arrives in town, true hobo style, on a train.  This isn’t a quaint little village that hides a dark secret. Nope, this place showcases (more…)

Troll Hunter

I almost have to like Troll Hunter for one reason alone.

It has no shrieking women. There are some hysterics from a male cast member, but a hungry troll puts a quick end to it. The women are delightfully scream-free. (My reaction to the archetypal screaming starlet is to urge the monster to, “Kill her, kill her now!”)

The downside is that it’s filmed mockumentary-style, with handheld cameras and all the nausea-inducing shaking that goes with film vérité. Besides making sections unbearable for those prone to motion sickness, it means that chunks of the film are just herky-jerky shots of the ground as the characters flee the trolls. The trick is suspenseful once, but gets old fast.

Han (Otto Jespersen) has a problem. He hates his job. (Who doesn’t?) The hours suck, he gets no overtime, there’s tedious paperwork and his coworkers…. Well, he has no coworkers. Instead, he has trolls; it’s his job to manage the trolls of Norway. (Given my experience with coworkers, I might prefer the trolls…)

Hans is a troll hunter for the super secret Norwegian Troll Security Service (TSS). Even today, Norway has a healthy troll population. At least it was healthy. Han’s job consists of (more…)

Captain America

I’m going to state this right out front. Despite my earlier assessment of Thor, I prefer it to Captain America.

Not because Thor is a better movie–both are splashy, but mediocre origin stories–but rather because Thor has Tom Hiddleston’s Loki. Hiddleston’s Loki vacillates between fan-girl-cute boy and smirking, smexy, power-hungry menace. He’s a villain worth rooting for.

Captain America has Red Skull, played by the usually magnificent, even when buried in a mask (V for Vendetta), Hugo Weaving. In V for Vendetta, Weaving projects all manner of emotion through an unmoving white mask. In Captain America, he can’t seem to get a twitch out of flexible red latex.

Chris Evans plays Steve Rogers, aka Captain America, the all-American hero. Handsome in a generic blond way, he’s physically suited for the role. (Why, pray tell, is “All American” synonymous with white and anglo? Maybe it’s a function of living in New Mexico, but my All American is several shades darker, and is often bilingual.) Evans does a decent bit of acting. He even manages to generate a smidgen of chemistry with the obligatory love interest, Hayley Atwell as Peggy Carter. (As opposed to the fizzle that was between Ryan Reynolds and whatshername in Green Lantern.)

Steve Rogers begins the story as (more…)

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Because I can be a tiresome pedant, I’d like to note that we are currently living on the “planet of the apes.” Humans are apes. Except to those less-evolved hominids who believe that their imaginary friend magicked up the Earth, firmaments and all its inhabitants in seven days. (If you’re one of those, why are your here, reading this blog? Shoo!)

I confess, I never saw the original Planet of the Apes  movie. I know–hang my head in shame–how can I call myself a geek? (I did see the Tim Burton reboot, which sucked monkey balls.) But based on what I’ve gleaned from Wikipedia and the few scenes from the original that I have seen, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is a splendid prequel.

James Franco plays Will Rodman, the earnest young scientist in search of a cure for Alzheimer’s. His is a personal quest, as his father, Charles (John Lithgow) suffers from the disease. Hope, however, shines bright on the horizon with Will’s pharmaceutical masterpiece, ALZ-113. The first test subject, a chimp known as number 9, displays amazing cognitive abilities after being given the drug, solving a puzzle which probably would challenge many Homo sapiens. Will brings the news to his boss, Jacobs (David Oyelowo) and they prepare to unveil the drug to stockholders, investors and other money types.

Then, disaster strikes. Chimp 9 goes bananas, rampaging through the test facility and eventually being shot dead. Jacobs is furious and demands that (more…)

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

In 2003, the powers that be at Disney had a shiny bright idea: “Let’s make a movie based on a ride in our theme park. Better yet, two.” As source material goes, you probably couldn’t find anything weaker unless you looked in the mirror one morning and decided to write an epic about the pimple on your chin:  Zachary the Zit and the Temple of Acutane.

Despite this, one movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl,  managed to transcend its shit-for-brains premise and make it to the pinnacle of entertaining. (The other, The Haunted House, has been relegated to an answer to a trivia question.)

Of course, the whole Pirates franchise would have suffered a similar fate if not for Johnny Depp’s twitchy, effete portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow. If driven solely by the power of the pretty—Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom–it would have sunk deep, beyond even Davy Jones’s reach. Because, let’s face it, Orlando Bloom’s vacuous beauty is perfectly suited for the role of largely silent elf and not much else. Which left Knightly with the job of carrying the personality for two, and generating the heat in a mostly tepid love story.

Jack, fortunately, stole the show. Buoyed by coherent and sometimes clever plot line that showcased Sparrow’s mercurial nature, the movie was a swashbuckling bit of fun. As for the next two movies, well, neither had anywhere near the charm of the first but I found them enjoyable.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, however, represents the (more…)

The King’s Speech

Years ago my husband dragged me to see Master and Commander. I sulked in the uncomfortable seat and grumbled, “Stupid, period drama. Ships, bleh.” And then … I loved it. It’s one of my favorite movies.

So, even though the premise held no promise, I tried to watch The King’s Speech with an open mind.

The King’s Speech is no Master and Commander.  It’s a well made movie. The acting, particularly by Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter, is excellent. But like many Oscar-winning movies that are dripping with critics’ slobber, I really don’t see the allure.

Prince, soon-to-be King George VI, “Bertie” (Colin Firth) has a problem. He stutters. Since his primary job as royalty, besides consuming enormous financial resources, is to cut ribbons and give speeches at the opening of the newest Wal-Mart, he struggles with his vocation. Yeah, I’m being facetious–Wal-Mart–but it does seem that all he is expected to do is give speeches. And make heirs, which, despite his speech problems, he’s managed handily, producing with his wife, two little princesses. Nothin’ wrong with that part of His Majesty.

Most of Bertie’s time, when not mucking up speeches, is spent moping about mucking up speeches. Seriously. He doesn’t do much else. Unlike other royalty, hopping on a horse and galloping across the countryside after a pack of hounds, to eventually sate royal bloodlust with the rending limb-from-limb of a fox, isn’t on Bertie’s agenda. Maybe it was, but he doesn’t do that in this movie.

His wife, Queen Elizabeth (Carter) gets tired of the angst and hires Lionel Logue (Rush), an eccentric speech therapist. Eccentric because his crazy ideas actually work. At the time, conventional therapy involved having the stutterer hold several marbles in his mouth and speak. “Speak clearly. Enunciate!” berates one doctor. (One of the few times I really pitied Bertie.) Lionel’s irreverent attitude clashes with the stick-up-his-arse prince/king, but of course, eventually the two become fast friends.

Yep. This is buddy movie, sans Seth Rogin, a road trip, or humor involving farts and body parts.  (Fuck is dropped with repeatedly with great glee as part of Bertie’s therapy.  Fuck is an awesome word; it even cures stuttering.)  Instead, Bertie and Lionel work toward their ultimate triumph … a speech.

If your taste runs to period character studies or tales where terribly rich people overcome adversity, then this is a fabulous movie. Me, I’ll stick with something a bit more lowbrow.

But It’s a Dry Heat

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Yesterday, Netflix vomited Transformers, Dark of the Moon into our mailbox. The reference to regurgitation being appropriate, since after freeing itself of that DVD, I’m sure Netflix felt much better. (Sorry, suckas. It goes back to you today.)

Why was it in our queue? Because the hubby and I are geeks and if it has any element of SF or fantasy, we’re are compelled to watch. Compelled by the power of nerd (and Greyskull/see, “nerds.”). We have the same problem with action flicks. Can’t not watch ’em.

Husband and I plop our butts on the couch, dinner in hand, and fire up the DVD. The movie starts, straightaway, no previews, suggesting that (more…)

Priest

Once thing can be said for the movie Priest. It is 100-percent free of sparkly vampires. Seriously. Unless they’ve been rolled in glitter, vampires shouldn’t sparkle.

The vampires in Priest resemble naked mole rats. Which, for a sun-hating, subterranean species, isn’t a bad bit of creature design. In humans–the vampire familiars–vampirism causes a particularly virulent case of male pattern baldness. So fans of pretty boy vamps should look elsewhere.

The premise of Priest is simple and flawed. Humans and vampires have been (more…)

Thor

Contains mild spoilers. Also, when it comes to spoilers and salsa (hot sauce), my definition of mild is probably an understatement.

Regarding Thor…I much preferred Loki. Whaaaat? Is that bad?

Thor, the movie, doesn’t burden itself with anything more than a paint by numbers plot. This is a good thing, since the type of scriptwriters (and possibly directors) who gravitate toward superhero flicks are usually all thumbs, unable to tie even the simplest plot threads. Thor zips along from point A to point B with no pesky speed bumps like character development to get in the way.

Thor and Loki are sons of Odin, king of the mythical realm of Asgard. When the (more…)