Cowboys and Aliens

It's slices, it dices. It's Ronco's Wrist Chef!

Cowboys and Aliens, of course, begins in New Mexico, because that’s where aliens always land when they aren’t planning on blowing up New York or Los Angeles. This state is like a space alien’s secret getaway. Our hero, Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) wakes from an impermanent dirt nap in the northern New Mexico desert (circa 1873).

Jake can’t remember his name, how he got the bloody gash in his side, or why he isn’t wearing any shoes but is outfitted with a shiny metal bracelet.  The bracelet offends his fashion sense, so he picks up a rock and whacks on it, ineffectually. His commentary on alien fashion accessories is interrupted by three men on horseback, who see the bracelet and decide it’s some kind of handcuff. Their wee brains already awhirl with all the places they’ll spend the bounty money (women, booze, more booze), the three try to apprehend Jacob.

Except Jake is Bond, James Bond. He kills all three in the blink of an eye, borrows a pair of boots and a horse and trots off to the town of Absolution.

In town, Jake is witness to the town’s latest drama–Percy Dollarhyde (Paul Dano), son of the obligatory evil rancher–is shootin’ up the place. Everyone is standing around watching the violent tableau because what else is there to do in the 1800s besides work your ass off and die? Percy obviously isn’t a fan of Bob Marley, because instead of the Sheriff, he shoots the Deputy. The Sheriff (Keith Carradine) reluctantly locks Percy up with the promise of sending him down to Santa Fe with the marshall.

After the little dustup, the Sheriff goes back to his office for coffee and doughnuts, and notices a wanted poster on his wall. “Wanted Jake, Scourge of the West.” Which is the first hint that this movie has more sucking power than a new Dyson vacuum.  I repeat, Scourge of the West. Jake has racked up enough bad guy mojo to not only warrant a wanted poster, but one that names him a scourge. And yet, our astute lawman doesn’t realize who’s vacationing in his charming little burg until he sees the poster.

The Sheriff and his remaining deputies apprehend Jake, with a little help from a mysterious woman named Ella (Olivia Wilde), and that evening Jake, along with Percy are in a paddy wagon on their way to Santa Fe. (Apropos of nothing, Olivia Wilde kept giving me a kind of River Tam vibe, with her long hair and big forehead.)

The wagon is about to leave town when we hear the thunder of hundreds of galloping hooves. Oh, noes! It’s the old man Dollarhyde (Harrison Ford), and he’s furious that his agent got him this movie deal without reading the shitty script. Dollarhyde huffs and puffs, but can’t get his son out of jail.

As usual, everyone in town comes out to watch the drama and the aliens decide this is good time to fly into town, blow some shit up and lasso humans. In the ensuing chaos, Jake and Percy escape the wagon. Percy gets roped and stolen away by the aliens because his is a redemption story, but the writers don’t want to be bothered actually writing it. (He leaves a spoiled jerk, returns a devoted son. End of story.)

Jake, meanwhile, realizes his shiny bracelet is a weapon and shoots down an alien ship. He and Dollarhyde are about to inspect the ship, when they hear screams. The alien pilot has broken into a house and having his way with the women, or something. The alien flees, leaving a handy trail of tracks to follow.

The next morning, Jake leaves town on his own–uh, wasn’t he under arrest?–and goes out to find the aliens. He is followed by Ella, who tries to get him to help her find the aliens because they took her family. He gives her the brush off, but it isn’t long before he meets up with her again and the rest of the alien-hunting posse, including Dollarhyde and the Sheriff.

What follows gets stupider and stupider and seems to have been written with the aid of a random event generator. Spin the wheel for a plot device!

*Spin* The group finds a paddleboat in the desert. Because the aliens put it there!

*Spin* Aliens want our gold. They’re like conquistadors with better technology!

*Spin* Alien attack! Alien almost eats the cute kid because that’ll generate viewer sympathy, yeah!

*Spin* The alien hunting posse encounter Jake’s old criminal gang and goes back to the hideout. Some violence ensues, then Jake and company get away. [Insert reason for this plot device here. Aw, screw it, nobody cares.]

*Spin* Have Jake and company get attacked by alien ships. Make it look like Faramir and his company fleeing the Nazguls across Plains of the Pelennor Fields, only with spaceships. Fuck, yeah!

*Spin* Aliens can’t go out in daylight.

*Spin* Fuck it. Aliens can go out in daylight.

*Spin* Aliens attacks cowboys and Indians. [Oh, crap, we need Indians. Get some Mescalero Apaches. Call ’em Chiricahuas–tribes, schmibes. Add some peyote. Voila, Indians!]

*Spin* Dollarhyde is an asshole

*Spin* Dollarhyde is kind to little children

*Spin* Dollarhyde is an asshole

*Spin* Ella is an alien. A friendly alien. A hot alien! Who speaks Apache!

Sigh. The sad thing is that the premise sounds fun. Cowboys plus aliens should equal a crazy fun mashup. But instead of embracing its campy premise, the movie tries for a serious western, all the while missing the point that even the grittiest, sand in yer teeth western, utilized a healthy dose of wry humor.

Cowboys and Aliens is a lugubrious mess. Even a few shots of Daniel Craig’s well-muscled torso can’t breathe life into this tribute to incoherent and pointless film making.

I’m a big fan of New Mexico’s burgeoning film industry and have always thought our idiot Republican Governor, Susanna Martinez’s, decision to cut back on the industry’s tax subsidies was fueled by her hatred of anything that might smack of liberal.

But maybe, she saw Cowboys and Aliens and decided to spare our state any similar embarrassments.