Who Is That Masked Horse?

“STOP DIGGING!”

What my neighbors hear every morning from May to October.

Summer and Fall are the seasons of flies.  This year, thanks (sort of) to a short and very unusual span of below zero temperatures, the fly hordes didn’t show up until June. Once in full force, they get down to making life miserable for the Wonder Horse.

By and large, horses are well designed to deal with flying pests. Along with long swishing tails and manes, they do this cool thing where they wiggle the flies right off their skin. (I wish I could do that.) But the flies’ favorite place to hang out, beside steaming piles of shit, is in the corners of a horse’s eyes.

You know those sad little starving children in Africa? Too weak to brush away the flies that cluster around their eyes?  Horses are kind of like that. To flies, eyes are like an Evian drinking fountain.  After just a few hours of this, the Wonder Horse’s eyes turn red and start leaking puss. Nasty.

So every morning, before breakfast, he gets his fly mask.  He knows the routine and stands by the gate waiting for me to come out of the barn with the mask and a few treats. (The routine has also morphed into an annoying game where he grabs the masks and shakes it. He won’t let me put it on until he does this.  As with any bad habit, the fault lies with the stupid human who thought the stupid horse trick was cute. At first.)

While I’m in the barn getting the mask, Mr. Impatient starts to paw. With enthusiasm. An 1100-pound animal can dig a large hole in just a few seconds.  Locating that hole by the gate is paramount to setting a booby-trap for any unsuspecting human. It has the added bonus of catching and tipping over wheelbarrows full of horseshit.

So when he starts digging I run out of the barn and yell, “No digging.” He stops and bangs on the gate with his hooves (my little drummer pony). I go back in the barn. Digging begins anew. I come out, yell, and you can see the smug satisfaction on his long face. “I’ve got her trained.”

Trouble is, he’s right.