But It's a Dry Heat

Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

Karate Kid 2010

I admit I’m a curmudgeon. I’ve never been a fan of inspirational films, or at least, films that so self-consciously flog the zero-to-hero trope. Also, for reasons which now escape me, back in the day, I really didn’t like Ralph Macchio. So I’ve never seen the original Karate Kid.

But, with any interesting action-y flicks tagged with “long wait” status, our Netflix queue is currently trolling the dregs. Karate Kid 2010 is the latest dweller of the depths to emerge and appear in our mailbox.

The movie begins with Dre (Jayden Smith) staring at a long line of marks on a doorframe, each noting his height and the occasion. E.g., birthdays, and notably, his height on the day his dad died. Which, while being a clever way to tell the audience that Pops is toast, is also (more…)

The Road

The Road, the movie. Where Viggo Mortensen gets the chance to let it all hang out.

As The Man, in the grim adaptation of the equally grim novel by Cormac McCarthy, Mortensen sheds all for a rear-view nude scene. (If it’s a frontal view of Mortensen’s man meat you’re hankerin’ fer, try Eastern Promises.) In The Road, Mortensen wades out into a cold pond, his boys swinging sweet low chariot. Of course, this begs the question, why haven’t his jewels climbed north to warmer climes? But The Road, movie and novel, both suffer from a worse factual problem.

The premise of the story is that some sort of global disaster, read “apocalypse,” has destroyed all life on earth except humans. Therein lies the problem. Look, there’s no doubt humans are tough. But if it’ll wipe out (more…)

Red

We watched Red again, last night. A big part of the movie’s charm is the cast–the notably older cast.  It trades on the same idea as The Expendables.  That older doesn’t mean useless, not even with action heros.

Watching it for a second time, I realized that Red has a lot in common with the uninspired Knight and Day.

Both movies utilize the same premise.  An ordinary woman gets drugged and kidnapped by a super spy/rogue CIA agent who is (more…)

Knight and Day

If Knight and Day were a color, it would be beige. The bland color allocated to ceilings. I got a good look at mine, when, in a fit of boredom, while watching this snoozer, my head slumped onto the back of the couch.

Knight and Day is the ugly offspring of a rom-com and the Bourne Identity, with an unfortunate preponderance of the former. June (Cameron Diaz) is an the ordinary gal whose life collides with Roy (Tom Cruise). Literally collides, twice, because the accidentally-crashing-into-someone-at-the-airport gag never gets old, right?

Roy is a rogue CIA agent who has been wrongfully accused of something. Or has he? Misunderstandings, un-witty romantic banter, and action hi-jinks ensue.

If it’s action you like (and I do), Knight and Day delivers. And the plot really isn’t too bad either. The problem is its stars, who have less chemistry than sand in water. You know how you can tell when two actors really hate other (The Matrix Revolutions, Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss)? In this case, Cruise and Diaz can’t even muster the energy to dislike each other.

June is the quintessential rom-com heroine: sort of ditzy, clumsy, and impulsive. Characteristics which, I guess, are suppose to endear her to a female audience. (Me, I really rather see a woman in control of the situation, but I’m a scary femi-nazi feminist.) Of course, Roy finds those characteristics utterly adorable. In June’s defense, toward the end of the movie, she does start to grow a real personality. What I liked in particular is that when she kills someone–in self defense–she doesn’t go all mopey-schmopey and guilt-ridden.

Cruise, admittedly not my favorite actor, can sometimes be tolerable (e.g., Minority Report). But here, he resorts to his usual shit-eating grin and ADD acting style. Really, Tom? Do you have to go there? It was cute in Top Gun. But that horse, it’s dead. Downright skeletal. Time to stop beating it and grow up.

Yeah. I get it. Cruise’s performance was in part a kind of parody of himself. But he’s also supposed to be the romantic lead. And crazy really isn’t the sort of trait an intelligent woman should look for in a mate. It doesn’t reflect well on the heroine to have her falling for the first glassy-eyed lunatic who drugs her and drags her across the world.

Not a film for those who like romance with brain. I give it a Meh-Minus.

Go, Team Scorpion

“Clash of the Titans” is delightful. Delightfully bad. Having recently suffered through the critically acclaimed, but mind-rapingly dull, “No Country for Old Men,” husband-critter and I decided to dip into the shallower side of the cinematic gene pool. Clash of the Titans is the perfect vehicle for some major Mystery Science Theater 3000 style snarking.  Oh, boy. We haven’t had this much fun since the equally vile “10,000 BC.”

It’s like a story recited by your eight-year-old nephew. One event leading to another with no apparent connection, told to you in a breathless rush. It doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Other than the trailer, shown before this newer, more CG-y version of the tale, I’ve never seen the original version of Clash. But this is hardly an improvement. It fiddles with the story from original–Andromeda isn’t Perseus’ love interest this time around–and replaces a wooden Harry Hamlin with a buff, and apparently bored Sam Worthington (who seems to be wishing he’d found something else to do while waiting to shoot the sequel to Avatar).

The absence of a love story with Andromeda, in this case, is a good thing. Andromeda is a saccharin, old-time Disney Princess. She suffers, suffers, I tell you, for the plight of the poor, and feeds bread to starving children. (I dunno. Maybe it was enriched, Wonder Bread?) I’m surprised the filmmakers didn’t throw in cute little bunnies and other woodland animals to gaze at her adoringly. Anyway, she’s a dud.

Liam Neeson, as Zeus, is shiny like a lightbulb, and oozes misery (or maybe he’s just plotting the murder of his agent). Ralph Fiennes as Hades seems to be suffering from a Botox overdose, as he never moves his mouth while speaking. The rest of the cast is so unmemorable, I can’t even remember their names.

Mostly, the film is guilty of larceny. While watching, phrases like, “‘300’ called; they want their wardrobe back” and “Lookee, it’s the Scorpion King!” come to mind.  (Unlike “300,” Clash of the Titans suffers from a profound lack of man candy. It’s like casting went out of their way to find homely men. And wardrobe/makeup worked their butts off making the few good looking chaps hideous.)

And yeah, I was rooting for the giant scorpions.