But It's a Dry Heat

Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

Chronicles of Narnia, Voyage of the Dawn Treader

“After that, I need to watch a good movie about ships,” says my husband, popping Pirates of the Caribbean in the DVD player.

That being Chronicles of Narnia, Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  Granted, if one were trying to clean one’s palette with a good nautical movie, one would reach for Master and Commander. But Voyage of the Dawn Treader sets the bar so low, Pirates is a masterpiece of seafaring authenticity.

Confession. I’m not a fan of the Narnia series. I know—gasp!–fantasy writer heresy.  It would seem that every fantasy writer lists the Narnia stories as the beloved childhood tales that shaped them into the writer they are today. If by “shaped,” you mean “don’t write boring-ass allegories,” then yeah, I too was shaped.

The only book I’ve read in the series is (more…)

Season of the Witch

Two armies face each other under the desert sun. It’s Christians vs. Muslims in the world series of genocide, aka, the Crusades. Our heroes, Behmen (Nicolas Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman) trade witty repartee via dialogue stolen from The Lord of the Rings’s Gimli and Legolas. I.e., whoever kills the most enemies gets a beer at the end of the day. Their leader, Holy Knight Guy (HKG), extolls them to fight for god.

Really?  If god is so frickin’ almighty, why doesn’t he fight his own battles?

The battle ensues and it’s religious nutjob fighting religious nutjob.  I don’t know who to root for in this mess.  Behmen? Because this is the first time in several greasy-haired movies that Nicholas Cage has washed his hair?  Yey, shampoo!

The boyz emerge victorious and (more…)

Tangled

My loathing for the “old school” Disney princess (Cinderella, Snow White, et al.) is no secret.  She’s dumber than a bag of hammers and utterly useless as a protagonist. Her only strength is sweetness that can put you in diabetic coma in five seconds flat. And she’s pretty.   Cute, little forest animals love her (which probably means she has fleas), but never mind that, she’s pretty.  Sometimes she hides out with seven little hairy men and cleans their house and washes their skidmarked undies. She waits for her prince to come because good girls never orgasm first.  And they certainly never do anything to save themselves.

Fortunately, Disney heroines have come a long way, baby.  Some more than others.  While I liked Tangled–it’s hard not to–I think Rapunzel is one of modern Disney’s weaker heroines. Weaker is too strong a word, since Rapunzel is smart, inquisitive, artistic and sometimes, driven.

As romances go, however, The Princess and the Frog is a much stronger story. (It’s a stronger story, period.) Especially when (more…)

In Praise of Dragons and Beta Heroes

How to Train Your Dragon is one of my favorite movies. I love this movie for two reasons: Hiccup and Astrid.

First, Hiccup is what some in Romanceland calls a beta hero and I lurves the betas. Second, Astrid is a terrific, strong female character.

Regarding betas ….  The definition varies, but a beta hero is the opposite of an alpha hero.  Alpha heroes are the kind of men who get stuff done with brute force. They are usually endowed with … a corresponding amount of muscle, and often (annoyingly) characterized as emotionally  constipated.  Honestly? That’s not my idea of a romantic hero.  Yeah, the muscles are nice, but as I’ve noted elsewhere, it wouldn’t be long before I got bored and cheated on Mr. Manly with the geeky astrophysicist  across the hall.

The beta hero is more a thinking man/woman’s hero.  He won’t or can’t (more…)

Blood: The Last Vampire

As a rule, “live-action film inspired by anime” is synonymous with the kind of suck that can give you a full-body hickie.  Blood: The Last Vampire obediently follows that rule.

Saya (Gianna Jun) is a half-human, half-vampire vampire slayer who works for a covert agency known as The Council.  The Council being your run-of-the-mill secret society dedicated to making vampires extinct, a la the Council in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and others. (I can’t really diss the trope, as it’s one I employ in my stories.)  Like Buffy, Saya has a handler, Michael (Liam Cunningham).  But where [Buffy’s]Giles put in a bit of effort trying to school Buffy in the intricacies of supernatural lore, Michael’s primary job is to bring Saya little bottles of blood, wrapped discretely in brown paper bags and placed in her little, dorm-room style fridge.

There are indications that (more…)

The Tourist

A lovely day in Paris.  (Aren’t the days always lovely in cinematic Paris?  You’d think they never had winter.  Unlike poor Moscow, where it’s always winter.)

Anyway … Elise (Angelina Jolie) is sitting at a table in a sidewalk cafe. She is looking gorgeous in that way that even makes straight women think about changing teams. In a nearby office, Scotland Yard Inspector John Acheson (Paul Bettany) and his team are watching Elise.  A young bike messenger approaches Elise and gives her a message.  Acheson orders his team to apprehend the unfortunate lad as soon as he delivers his message.

Why?  Because they think he may be Alexander Pearce, Elise’s lover.  Alexander is wanted because … (more…)

Skyline

Recap, not a review, because it is so eye-rapingly bad.

Starts off okay.  Glowy, alien plasma zooms down into L.A. and starts giving all the beautiful people the worst case of varicose veins ever.

Several hours earlier…
Generic blond, Elaine, and hubby, Jarrod, are on a plane to L.A.  Jarrod is kind of cute. Too bad his acting sucks balls. They’re going to L.A. because Jarrod has a sketchbook full of ugly graffiti that his producer friend really likes.  (Or something … Seriously, I have no idea.)

In L.A., they meet Jarrod’s friend Terry–Hey, it’s Turk, from Scrubs! He’s living large in a penthouse with his blond wife.  Elaine and Jarrod admire the “view,” which must be L.A. for “smog.”  Husband and I both observe that wife is a bitch and “We want her to get eaten first.”

Terry has a party. Elaine confesses to Jarrod that she is pregnant. Jarrod says, stupidly, “Late? For what?” Jerry screws his assistant in the bathroom. Oh, the angst.

My husband grumbles, “This is supposed to (more…)

Shrek Forever After

Shrek Forever After. A lesson in how a franchise that started out well, can be undone by the forces of bland conformity.

The Shrek movies, all four now, follow the misadventures of an ogre (Mike Meyers) who meets and falls in love with a beautiful princess, Fiona (Cameron Diaz). Who, thanks to a curse, is also an ogre. It begins as a delightful spoof of the usual, “Oh, so pretty, little forest animals love her,” princess meets her true love, fairy tale.

And then, by Shrek Forever After, the little ogres come along. And there goes Fiona’s personality, devoured by the thing called Mommy.

This is where somebody, invariably (because this is the Internet) will get their knickers in a twist. Because I’m defaming motherhood and apple pie. (Well, okay, yes to the latter. Strawberry rhubarb is a superior pie.)

I’m not dissing parenthood. I am taking issue with (more…)

You Liked It? Are You … A Crazy Person?

Over on Facebook, Smart B*tches Who Love Trashy Novels posed the question:

I have many readers who email rants about books they wanted to like but didn’t. Am pondering category of “book rants.” What do you think? Interested?

The response could be summed up as “Yes.”  If you haven’t hated a much loved and ballyhooed book, then either you don’t read or your opinion switch is stuck on “Pollyanna loves everything.”

When I look at my responses to novels (and movies), it’s obvious that my nastiest are leveled at bestsellers and critics’ darlings whose charm utterly escaped me.  (Like No Country for Old Men and Let the Right One In.  There are a few, miserable, lugubrious hours, I’ll never get back.)

But this kind of rant negative review really isn’t about the book (or its author). It’s about the reviewer’s relationship with the book’s fans.

Let’s wind the clock back, nearly two decades ago, when (more…)

The Last Starfighter

“You haven’t seen The Last Starfighter?” says my husband, incredulous.  “I’ll add it to the Netflix queue.”

I can’t remember why I never saw The Last Starfighter. Given that it features a cute boy, aliens, spaceships, space battles and a romance, it would have made my teenage self go “Squee!”

The Last Starfighter swaps out the planet Tatooine for a trailer park, and takes the whine out of the young hero, but trades on the same basic theme as Star Wars.  A young man, Alex Rogan (Lance Guest), longs for a life beyond the confines of the trailer park that he calls home.

Luke Skywalker had Aunt Beru and (more…)