But It's a Dry Heat

Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

Pitch Black

I’ve never much liked Superman.

Although Smallville did a decent job of injecting the man of steel with a touch of humanity, the character as a whole is overburdened by his squeaky clean, unambiguous morality.

I like my heroes to struggle with their call to action. I want them to come kicking and screaming into the light. Don’t give me Mr. Saintly who saves the day because it’s the right thing to do. Give me a guy who saves Earth because it’s got the best pizza in the universe and, oh, yeah, his friends, all two of them, happen to call the little blue rock home.

Which is why Pitch Black is one of my favorite movies. Not only is the hero as dark as the movie’s title, but the supporting cast also has a furious case of flexible ethics.

Riddick (Vin Diesel), the film’s hero, is about as “anti” as an anti-hero can get. He’s spent so many years incarcerated in the (more…)

The Thing (2011)

You know a movie has acquired a level of suckitude approaching black hole proportions when … I don’t even care about the dog.

I make no secret of the fact that I like animals more than people.  Sometimes, an animal is the only character worth watching. For instance, I spent the entire, agonizing, “good lord smite me before I have to watch more of this crapfest,” three-hours of Alexander the movie, worrying about Bucephalus the horse.

The Thing couldn’t even get me to give a fuzzy crap about the dog.

The Thing begins with three guys in an ice jeep thingy (look, if the director and scriptwriters were too lazy to build character backstories, I’m too lazy to Google the correct name of the vehicle). They are following a mysterious signal across the Antarctic ice. And they are Norwegian, which is (more…)

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

I’ve never read the novel, but have seen the original Swedish movie adaptation, so this was an interesting journey into essentially watching the same film twice. Literally. The first two-thirds of the movie seems to be a scene-by-scene re-shoot of the original, in English. This version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo–now with Daniel Craig!–both is and isn’t an improvement over the original.

The story begins with Mikael Blomqvist (Daniel Craig) being convicted of journalistic fraud after his expose of a corrupted industrialist is revealed to be underlain by shoddy journalism. In truth, Mikael has been set-up, but the ruling has repercussions, not only for his career and (more…)

In Time

Remember Logan’s Run?

Me neither; just a few scattered impressions from when I was a kid and it was on TV.  I recall it being about a futuristic society where people were killed off at 30, their expiration date announced by some kind of colored device on their hand.

In Time trades in a variant of that premise: in the future, science has somehow made it so that people stop aging at twenty-five. Humans, however, still make babies and in a world where no one dies except through fatal accidents, people would eventually be packed on this little blue sphere like sardines. Society’s solution is stamp a digital clock on everyone’s arm that starts ticking at 25, counting down a year. Since it’s possible to put more time on the clock, a person could theoretically live forever. Run out of time, however, and it’s Deadsville for you. Time, not money, is now the most important commodity.

It’s the future and (more…)

Hugo

“…it was a very long, very french tongue bath for some creator of silent films..” ~a comment on a review at Rotten Tomatoes.

To some extent, that assessment isn’t off-base, although a big part of the slobber on Hugo comes courtesy of critics who would cheer for a film about paint drying, if it were directed by Martin Scorsese.

Which isn’t to say that Hugo is a bad movie. I liked Hugo. I didn’t love it, but it was a pleasant way to spend an evening. It’s pleasant like a perfectly toasted slice of bread with a bit of butter and fresh strawberry jam is pleasant. It makes for a nice breakfast, but deep down, you’d really prefer a breakfast burrito, loaded with cheese, chile, potatoes and eggs.

I had no particular expectations for the film, but those who (more…)

Immortals

“Where’s the beefcake?”

Me, after watching Immortals, a film that is advertised as being “from the producers of 300.” Except 300, for all its flaws, featured some of the best that modern nutrition, gyms, and some steroids could make of the male physique. The plot of 300 could be summed up as “a few very good men fight to the death against the Persians, and day-yum, are they sexy martyrs.”

Theseus, Immortals’s hero, is terribly overdressed.  Also, for the most part, Immortals is short on action and gore, which is especially problematic as it’s also fresh out of plot and characterization.

The movie begins by introducing the movie’s McGuffins: the Titans and the Epirus bow. The Titans are contained in a box that is (more…)

Drive

After watching Drive, a couple of things came to mind:

First, I hope Ryan Gosling wasn’t paid by the word, and second, the only way to make Los Angeles look like anything other than an overpopulated, ugly-ass, shithole is to film it at night.

I also realized that for once, my inability to remember a character’s name isn’t my fault because in this case, the protagonist had none. Ryan Gosling is The Driver in a bloody tale about a sometimes stunt driver/mechanic/getaway driver whose well-ordered life falls apart when he falls in love.

The movie begins with Driver precisely uttering instructions to (more…)

Black Swan

I don’t think I’ve ever entirely forgiven Natalie Portman for the Star Wars debacle.

Of course, I know the real blame lies with George Lucas and his pathological inability to direct anything with a pulse. I also know Portman isn’t waiting, with bated breath, for my forgiveness. Nevertheless, she and Hayden Christiansen are the reason why I have to keep my hand on the remote, ready to hit fast-forward, when watching any of the Star Wars prequels.

Bias aside, she was amusing in Thor, and I really liked her in V for Vendetta.

Her performance in Black Swan, however, is a lot more Padme (Star Wars) than Evey (V for Vendetta).

In Black Swan, Portman plays the role of Nina, a dancer with (more…)

Real Steel

Technically, Real Steel isn’t my kind of movie. I mean, sure, it has fighting robots, and battles between giant mechanized men are totally my thing. Violence. Futuristic technology. Yay!

Except, Real Steel relies on the “cute kid” plot device and a story that’s designed to tug at one’s heartstrings.  Teeny problemo: I don’t have heartstrings. Movies that others find heartbreaking and compelling, strike me as sappy and painfully obvious. As for kids…they’re like adults. Some children are absolutely charming; others are assholes; most just exist. I really dislike big-eyed urchins who I’m supposed to love because they are big-eyed urchins.

That said, I really liked Real Steel.

Real Steel is the story of a down-on-his-luck (more…)

Familiarity Breeds Nitpicking

Some movies just don’t hold up well to repeated viewing.

Last week my husband and I re-watched Iron Man 2 and Star Trek (2009). We’ve seen both at least three times already, and of the two, Star Trek holds up much better. (My only beef with Trek is depiction of Kirk’s birth, specifically the fact that technology has given us warp drives, and yet human childbirth is still a hideous, painful process.)

I had heard some negative buzz about Iron Man 2 before I watched the movie, so my expectations were low. Afterward, I thought, “Well, that wasn’t so bad.” Why didn’t I notice its flaws? Blame Robert Downey Jr.

I’m still amazed that the studio chose him for the role rather than some vapid pretty boy (e.g. Ryan Reynolds in Green Lantern). In retrospect, Downey is the perfect actor for a movie with the premise “billionaire genius playboy stumbles upon a conscience and decides to wage peace, not war.” Imagine if the role had been played by (more…)