But It's a Dry Heat

Author Archive

Shrek Forever After

Shrek Forever After. A lesson in how a franchise that started out well, can be undone by the forces of bland conformity.

The Shrek movies, all four now, follow the misadventures of an ogre (Mike Meyers) who meets and falls in love with a beautiful princess, Fiona (Cameron Diaz). Who, thanks to a curse, is also an ogre. It begins as a delightful spoof of the usual, “Oh, so pretty, little forest animals love her,” princess meets her true love, fairy tale.

And then, by Shrek Forever After, the little ogres come along. And there goes Fiona’s personality, devoured by the thing called Mommy.

This is where somebody, invariably (because this is the Internet) will get their knickers in a twist. Because I’m defaming motherhood and apple pie. (Well, okay, yes to the latter. Strawberry rhubarb is a superior pie.)

I’m not dissing parenthood. I am taking issue with (more…)

You Gorgeous, Golden-Eyed Bastard

As always, I’m late to the party.  Today is International Raistlin Majere Day!

Had I known, I would’ve donned my best red cloak for the morning dog walk with the greyhound.

And alas, this is Friday, my day off, so I can’t do this:

2. Laugh softly and menacingly throughout your performance review. When your supervisor brings up your problem with authority, whisper, “Bow only in reverence, never in subservience.”

Raistlin is the ultimate tortured hero. Mo’ betta than that whiny, sparkly, pretender, Edward Cullen.  Fans of a certain certain boring-ass, fantasy epic will no doubt call me vapid for loving the series, but many hours of my youth were spent reading and re-reading the Dragonlance series.  See, Raistlin was what Thomas the Unbelievably Boring could never be.  Likable.

(The last two sentence proving my point.  My hatred of a critically acclaimed book, is so totally about its fans.)

But Raistlin rocks.

You Liked It? Are You … A Crazy Person?

Over on Facebook, Smart B*tches Who Love Trashy Novels posed the question:

I have many readers who email rants about books they wanted to like but didn’t. Am pondering category of “book rants.” What do you think? Interested?

The response could be summed up as “Yes.”  If you haven’t hated a much loved and ballyhooed book, then either you don’t read or your opinion switch is stuck on “Pollyanna loves everything.”

When I look at my responses to novels (and movies), it’s obvious that my nastiest are leveled at bestsellers and critics’ darlings whose charm utterly escaped me.  (Like No Country for Old Men and Let the Right One In.  There are a few, miserable, lugubrious hours, I’ll never get back.)

But this kind of rant negative review really isn’t about the book (or its author). It’s about the reviewer’s relationship with the book’s fans.

Let’s wind the clock back, nearly two decades ago, when (more…)

Windmills? What Windmills?

I’m hardly one to call for civility and decency.  Snark is my primary means of communication.  But even I have mellowed with age.

As the story of this author kept spreading across the web, as people apparently couldn’t let it go, I started to feel sorry for her.  Yeah, me.  Pity. The cold, dry fig of my heart, started beating.

Perhaps it’s the anonymity of the media, but the Internet can accelerate people from zero to outrage in a microsecond. I see it all time, everywhere. Blogs. Forums. Newsgroups. Someone says the sky is blue.  Someone else takes umbrage to use of the word “blue,” screeching that blue is the color of Smurfs and Smurfs are filthy, blue, child molesters. And off we go…

I’ve seen people on newsgroups rant about (more…)

Magic Bites

Some spoilers for  Magic Bites and The Hunger Games, herein.

In which the curse of high expectations strikes. I’ve really been looking forward to Magic Bites by Ilona Andrews.  While I found the novel readable, it was ultimately disappointing.

The problem?  I was hoping for something more than the standard, tough-as-nails, chip-on-her-shoulder, loner heroine that typifies the urban fantasy(UF) genre. Magic Bites’s heroine, Kate Daniels, unfortunately, is not a departure from the trope.  I love strong female characters, so my disinterest in tough girl UF protagonists puzzles me.

To get to the heart of my aversion, I first looked at one my newest, favorite fictional strong woman: the Hunger Games Trilogy’s Katniss Everdeen. Katniss is no girly girl.  She is the ultimate (more…)

The Last Starfighter

“You haven’t seen The Last Starfighter?” says my husband, incredulous.  “I’ll add it to the Netflix queue.”

I can’t remember why I never saw The Last Starfighter. Given that it features a cute boy, aliens, spaceships, space battles and a romance, it would have made my teenage self go “Squee!”

The Last Starfighter swaps out the planet Tatooine for a trailer park, and takes the whine out of the young hero, but trades on the same basic theme as Star Wars.  A young man, Alex Rogan (Lance Guest), longs for a life beyond the confines of the trailer park that he calls home.

Luke Skywalker had Aunt Beru and (more…)

Monday, Lessons Learned

As I read this train wreck, a few things came to mind…

A) I’m really grateful for editors.

B) It’s really not a bad review.  In fact, I’ve written nastier reviews.

C) People don’t know the difference between “e-published,” “self-published,” and “indie published.”

D) Apparently, the best way to drive traffic to your blog is to write a [slightly] negative review of an un-hinged self-published author’s book.

E) Or, be the un-hinged author who throws a public snit on a review blog. Though this approach, arguably, doesn’t so much “drive” traffic; more like it re-routes a semi-truckload of bad karma in your direction.

via Smart Bitches

Karate Kid 2010

I admit I’m a curmudgeon. I’ve never been a fan of inspirational films, or at least, films that so self-consciously flog the zero-to-hero trope. Also, for reasons which now escape me, back in the day, I really didn’t like Ralph Macchio. So I’ve never seen the original Karate Kid.

But, with any interesting action-y flicks tagged with “long wait” status, our Netflix queue is currently trolling the dregs. Karate Kid 2010 is the latest dweller of the depths to emerge and appear in our mailbox.

The movie begins with Dre (Jayden Smith) staring at a long line of marks on a doorframe, each noting his height and the occasion. E.g., birthdays, and notably, his height on the day his dad died. Which, while being a clever way to tell the audience that Pops is toast, is also (more…)

A Taste of the Chaos

Once upon a time, for a short while, The Music of Chaos was a webcomic. Because nobody (not even Edward of Twilight) does moping and angst like I do, I decided I would never, evah get the manuscript published.  In a fit of pathos, I turned it into a graphic novel.

About 90 pages in, I came to my senses and went back to trying to sell the story to publishers.

Over at Romance Writer’s Revenge blog, I was asked to tell my story of the Call with The Music of Chaos.  This is where most authors get to describe the giddy excitement, the celebration, that came with signing the contract and publishing their book.

My version of the story, at least with the final acceptance that led to publication, could be summed up as “a shrug.” The Music of Chaos has had a total of four acceptances. (Plus a NY editor who loved the early chapters. Story for ‘nother time.)

Two of the publishers, I turned down.  One because the publisher had (and to this day still has), butt-ugly Poser-generated covers. Another, because the publisher had the contract from hell.  Secondary rights were mis-identified as primary rights; it was riddled with contradictions; and it took all rights including a merchandising clause that gave them rights to the webcomic.  Actually, it even gave them rights to artwork (not created by me) in an illustrated anthology.

Did I mention this was a little known, epublisher who has about as much chance of selling TMOC merchandise as I have for winning American Idol? Yeah.  Ridiculous.

Anyway, poor Decadent Publishing got TMOC when my enthusiasm for publishing was running on fumes.  But they’ve proven, so far, to be a good home for the story that wouldn’t give up (even if its author did).  My book was edited, edited, and just when I thought it was safe to open my email– “It’s back!” –edited some more. Which is, as Martha Stewart would say, “…a good thing.”

Wanna read a sample?  Chapter One can be read in its entirety, here.

Step One, Dig a Hole

Gardeners bury their mistakes.

Whenever I talk about gardening, there is always someone who is quick to say, “I can’t grow anything; I have a brown thumb.” Now, I recognize that this may be an attempt to shut me up.  “Dear Lord, don’t let her start blathering about ‘soil’ again.”

But to the small percentage who say this with genuine chagrin, my reply is: “So do I.  All gardeners have brown thumbs.”

Here’s the thing.  Gardening is as much about death as it is life.  As with any hobby (or profession), success is achieved largely through a willingness to learn from your mistakes, and sometimes, to simply ignore them.

I’m a geek.  I love science-y stuff.  In college, I took Botany and Biogeography.  I know how photosynthesis works and understand the C4 pathway. But often, when a plant dies, I have no fucking idea why. And die, they do.

I gave it the perfect conditions: just enough water; well-drained soil; a touch of compost.  And it still got dead. In this way, gardening mirrors publishing.  You can have the perfect story for the perfect market, and it still gets rejected.  The only difference being, that unlike publishing, I don’t torture myself over Mother Nature’s rejection of my attempts to meddle.

I dig up the dead thing, chuck it in the compost pile, and plant something in its stead. Game over, insert quarter, play again.

And if all else fails, water the weeds.