Skyline

Recap, not a review, because it is so eye-rapingly bad.

Starts off okay.  Glowy, alien plasma zooms down into L.A. and starts giving all the beautiful people the worst case of varicose veins ever.

Several hours earlier…
Generic blond, Elaine, and hubby, Jarrod, are on a plane to L.A.  Jarrod is kind of cute. Too bad his acting sucks balls. They’re going to L.A. because Jarrod has a sketchbook full of ugly graffiti that his producer friend really likes.  (Or something … Seriously, I have no idea.)

In L.A., they meet Jarrod’s friend Terry–Hey, it’s Turk, from Scrubs! He’s living large in a penthouse with his blond wife.  Elaine and Jarrod admire the “view,” which must be L.A. for “smog.”  Husband and I both observe that wife is a bitch and “We want her to get eaten first.”

Terry has a party. Elaine confesses to Jarrod that she is pregnant. Jarrod says, stupidly, “Late? For what?” Jerry screws his assistant in the bathroom. Oh, the angst.

My husband grumbles, “This is supposed to make us care about these people?”

The building supervisor shows up to complain about the noise.  Hey, it’s what’s-his-face from Dexter–Batista!  Never learned his real name, so he shall be Batista henceforth.

Party aftermath.  Skinny, agent guy takes off his shirt and passes out on the floor. Ugh, dude, put your shirt on; I thought everybody in L.A. worked out.

Back to the present and glowy light. Ray, the shirtless wonder, steps into the light, gets veiny, disappears. Jarrod gets zapped; survives.

Taking a play from the Too Stupid to Live Playbook, the boys decide: “Let’s go check it out.” Because artist + movie producer = Rambo.  My husband notes that Jerry is a SF movie producer and “Doesn’t this guy even watch his movies?”

Then we meet the only character I care about–A dog.

Upstairs, on the roof, the boys wander around, out in the open.  They are stuck on the roof because they forgot to prop open the door to the stairwell.  They notice others on nearby roofs. All of L.A. is too stupid to prop open a door.

Meanwhile, alien plasma things are back for seconds. Humans are yummy; like potato chips, can’t have just one. It’s the mother ship, and she brought the rest of the family.  Alien ship design is pretty cool: got that whole H.R. Giger thing.  Smaller ships, have a “The Matrix called, it wants its squiddies back” design.

Elaine shows up and opens locked door. Gets zapped by aliens, but alas, survives.  Yeah, she’s sooo having an alien baby.

My husband notes that alien collection method is kind of like fishing with dynamite. Replace dynamite with glowy plasma and watch humans float to the surface.

More wandering around the building.  Okay, I think they just killed the one character I cared about. The dog. Bored, now.

Back in the dee-luxe apartment in the sky, and the metal blinds come up and morons are too stupid to reprogram the system. Alien squiddies search apartment while Jarrod and co. hide behind counters and pant like dogs.

More angst.  Bitch wife realizes that Jerry is porking his assistant. Jerrod makes brilliant deduction that aliens aren’t over the water so that’s where they should go. Down to parking lot. Another couple is also leaving, but they had the good sense to pack.  Jarrod asks if they need help. Couple says no, which, I guess makes them bad people. And you know what happens to bad people…

Jerry and his girlfriend leave the lot and car is squashed by elephantine alien. And so ends “the slut.”  Borrowing from every other monster movie, aliens have long, tentacle-y tongues. Alien eats Jerry, because the black man is always first to die.

Independent, We-don’t-need-help couple gets attacked by squiddy. Squiddy eats husband, while wife shrieks.

Screaming woman makes me scream, “Eat the bitch, eat the bitch.”

Batista saves the day and shoots alien.  But alien is still alive and eats brains. Zombie alien.  Also, alien mouth looks like a giant pussy.  Well, it does.

Lots of screaming: “Oh, my god!” Folks, I don’t think he’s listening.

Batista says top floor is safest–why?–and they’re back in the penthouse. Batista gives Jarrod the lamest “man up” pep talk ever and I’m really embarrassed for this actor. Elaine whines about bitch-wife’s second hand smoke because of the bay-bee.  Really? Aliens are Hoovering up your friends and neighbors and you’re worried about nicotine?

Gunfire.  Military.  Or right wing crazies with guns. Alien squishes would-be heros.

(Aside. I’m glad I live in the sticks. Aliens aren’t likely to target our itty-bitty village.)

Batista demands that Jarrod come up with a plan.  Because artists are like marines, or something. Military shows up and we have hope, sweet, sweet hope. (I’m rooting for the aliens.)

Tactical nuke.  Yeah, second hand smoke should not be a worry. That baby’s gonna be born with six legs and antennae. And mother ship is down. Took out half of L.A., but team Homo sapien wins.

But alien is back! Go, team Alien!

Battista and Jarrod have a slapping girl fight.  Jared goes all pale-eyed and gets super strong.  Wife, who’s carrying alien baby, gets all judgmental.

Back to the roof…

Alien killing weapon of choice? An axe. Wrong monster people (Zombies).

Meanwhile, military sends in snipers with 50-cals.  Great weapon against humans. Aliens? Not so much.

Bitchy blond is finally eaten. Army guys kills alien with a bazooka.  Talk about getting some tongue: alien tongue grabs helicopter like a frog on a fly.  Cool!

Also, the movie stole the alien foghorn noise from War of the Worlds.

Batista is going out like a man.  Turns on gas on stove; attempts to light cig.

Jared reenacts the LOTR scene at the gates of Moria, swinging axe against tentacled alien.  Alien tries to eat his brain, finds nothing.

Batista finally blows himself up and tells alien, “Vaya con Dios.”  Really? God? I think you mean infierno. Spanish, fail.

Jared, with his new super-strong alien mojo, punches tentacled alien to death.

Huge alien being is pummeled with predator drone fire, but is nonetheless obsessed with two, itty bitty humans. Humans must be really tasty. People, the other white meat.

And … idiot couple gets vacuumed up together. They hold hands and kiss. It’s so romantic, like Kate and William, but without the pomp and funny hats.

Day Three and aliens are sucking all the major cities dry.  Let this be a lesson to you, children.  Big cities really are dangerous.

Oh, crap. More movie? I thought it was over.

In the alien ship. Jarrod’s brain is implanted into an alien and his acting skilz improve immeasurably.  Alien-Jarrod fights another alien for the right to feel up his pregnant wife.  Movie. Ends. Abruptly.

Yup. It was that bad.

But It’s a Dry Heat