Save a Manatee, Eat a Teabagger

Tea party assholeThough the cholesterol may kill you.

Rather than the tricorn hats and tea bags, the official Teabagger (no, not calling ’em Tea Party) symbol should be a helmet.  As in, “they’re so stupid, they should wear one so as not to hurt themselves.”  If anything, teabaggers are proof that our modern system of government programs–programs that safeguard the health and safety of the populace–works wonders, keeping alive people, who, in days of yore, would have succumbed to any number of childhood mishaps.  Teabaggers are the kids who would have choked on small toys, stabbed themselves with lawn darts and broken into the kitchen cabinet and drank bleach.

Thanks to the evul gov’ment, they are here today, showing up at protests on their Medicare-funded Hoverounds, and demanding that the gov’ment get out of their lives.

But this … this takes their stupidity to a new level.  It’s no secret that the teabaggers hate the poor, the minorities, the gays, and women.  The latest target of their drooling ire?  Manatees. Yeah.  Manatees.  Sweet gentle creatures whose only crime is apparently impeding the teabaggers’ ability get liquored-up, hop on their motorboat and burn some petrol.  Because to do otherwise is unAmerican.

Their cause is championed by one Edna Mattos, who demonstrates her blistering stupidity in everything she says:

“We cannot elevate nature above people,” explained Edna Mattos, 63, leader of the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots, in an interview. “That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.” […]

Whose Bill of Rights? Pakistan’s?  Because that’s not in the U.S. Bill of Rights.  As for the Bible … it’s no surprise that a religion cooked up by humans, for humans, would claim that humanity is god’s special little creation. I mean, if dogs had a religion, I’m sure their Bible would state that the canine is god’s bestest, brightest star in the universe.

Current regulations have helped boost the manatee population from 100 to 500, so clearly they’re sufficient, Mattos said.

So tell us, Edna, where did you get your PhD in biology? Riiight. What this illustrates (besides the woeful inadequacy of science education in America) is the complicity of the media in dumbing down the country.  Edna doesn’t know shit about genetics or the sustainability of a species.  Edna probably thinks her periods are god’s monthly punishment for being a woman.  So a responsible reporter would have found an actual expert to explain why 500 animals doth not a recovery make.

Mattos said she enjoys showing off the manatees to her grandchildren, but she had little use for the Save the Manatee Club, explaining, “If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we’d be living in Jurassic Park now.”

This is where I do the Jon Stewart look. You know, the one where he pauses after some rightwing nutjob has just said something so moronic, it makes morons sound like Einstein, and stares into the camera?

I mean, it sounds like she’s speaking English, but the words … they don’t make sense.  (I get it, it’s Palinese.) So environmental regulations are bad because …. dinosaurs? Really? Meanwhile, she likes showing her grandkids the manatees, but … DINOSAURS!  Methinks Edna believes that humans and dinosaurs lived in the garden of Eden together, the dinos serving as riding animals and so forth.

Edna Mattos should be down on her knees, thanking her imaginary friend for the laws and regulations that have allowed her to live to 63, without which, she’s be as extinct as the dinosaurs she so fears.

As someone in the comments of DailyKos put it, the teabagger mantra should be “Fight for the right to an asshole.”

But It’s a Dry Heat

This entry was posted in Politics, Rant, The Crazy is Strong. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Save a Manatee, Eat a Teabagger

  1. Pingback: For Want of a Lightbulb | But It's a Dry Heat

  2. Ellen says:

    I couldn’t believe what I was reading when I saw that headline. John Stewart look all the way!

  3. P. Kirby says:

    Yeah. Just when you think the tea bag set couldn’t get any loonier….

Comments are closed.